We all need to turn to someone when times get tough. People with a cancer diagnosis will need a specific kind of dedicated support. Those who offer it can become part counsellor, part organizer, and part patient advocate.

When giving support, we don't have to do it all. It can be enough to volunteer to walk someone's dog or simply talk to them about how they are feeling. Whatever degree of support we offer, it helps to do it with the right approach. Read a few suggestions below for supporting someone you love and share your own valuable experience.

Supporting ourselves

Many of us want to jump in and support our friend, parent, or spouse who is suffering. Before we do, however, it is actually vital that we support ourselves first. If we're not strong, we can actually hurt the ones we love.

We can gain strength by understanding that cancer is not always a death sentence. Survival rates are increasing, people are living longer, and treatments are improving.

Understanding how the disease works is our first line of defense in helping battle the disease. The situation will become more managable once we have a grasp of the type of cancer they have, the treatment options, and the prognosis.

It also is important to talk to our loved ones. Sometimes it can feel like we can't talk about our fears and concerns because we need to be strong for the people we love. Keeping an honest line of communication open, however, allows them to feel a sense of normalcy that can be calming.

Remember, though, that cancer is sometimes a life-and-death battle. The first and foremost rule of communication is compassion. For example, if we see our partner is physically and emotionally weakened after a series of chemotherapy treatments, we may act out of our own fear and speak sharply to them.

Instead of snapping at them out of your own fear with something harsh like, "Buck up," ask them how they are feeling and tell them you love them.

Facing a potential loss

A loved one's imminent or potential death can be an enormous weight on our shoulders. It is often impossible to imagine our own life without this person in it. Even though it is difficult, realizing that a loss like this is possible helps to better prepare us for end of life issues.

• Don't be afraid to ask for help: We should not be ashamed if we find that we need to talk to a professional. Psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists are great unbiased resources to which we can express our deepest emotions. There are even support groups for those of us doing the supporting.

• Create a place for memories: Many of us fear that the loss of our loved one will mean the loss of all our treasured memories with that person. Making sure we keep those memories close to us is an extremely important part of dealing with a cancer diagnosis.

Tips for supporting others

One of the best ways to support someone with cancer is to learn to listen to them. It is devastating to hear the words "I have cancer" come out of a loved one's mouth. We can feel shocked, angry, and confused. It is not hard, then, to imagine what the person who actually has cancer must be feeling.

Giving loved ones the chance to talk about their fears can reduce their anxiety and help them feel like the person they were before cancer. Here are a few suggestions for helping loved ones feel like they can talk about anything:

• Use humor. Although cancer is no joking matter, maintaining a sense of humor can help many people deal with the disease. Even doctors admit that laughter can be the best medicine. Watching a funny movie or reminiscing about silly memories with loved ones can help take everyone's mind off cancer.

• Express anger and fear. In the case of a cancer diagnosis, however, it can be difficult to cope with fear. Often our first reaction when a friend or family member is upset is to comfort them and tell them everything will be alright. This may come across as dismissive of the realities of the illness our loved one is facing. It is okay to express our fears, and to create an environment where our loved ones can discuss the emotions they are experiencing.

• Allow the release. It is important to express any anger, frustration, and fear. By allowing people to release their emotions, whether good or bad, the healing process can begin. Remind loved ones that it is healthy and natural to be angry and scared.

• Just be there. We all take comfort in knowing that there is someone who will always be there for us and love us unconditionally. When someone is first diagnosed with cancer, they need this reassurance more than ever.

It is enough to just sit in silence and hold their hand. This shows them we care and that we are in this with them for the long haul. Many people with cancer fear abandonment by friends and family. It is our job to eliminate this worry.

Even with all our love and support, we may sometimes need to reach out for help. Family members can ask the doctor who diagnosed a loved one for advice. Cancer support groups and online support networks also are great resources. Sharing our experience with the disease can help ease fears and offer reassurance.

See also:

• Learning about cancer
• Finding ways to be supportive
• Shared stories