My name's DJ (pseudonym for the web)- I'm 19 and live in New Jersey. I found out my mom had breast cancer when I was 15 and that scared the hell out of me, but I sustained hope and prayed A LOT. The irony of this, as I found out later on was that she had actually gone to her physician several years earlier with a lump on her breast and was told the tumor was benign- which was not the case. I'm not a very emotional person, my -possibly warped- reasoning is that if I show emotion or vulnerability no one will turn to me in their time of need because they will feel I have enough on my plate. I did what I normally do with stresses, I suppressed them and went on with life. She was put on oxicotton amongst other stuff but stopped using them after the side effects were negative.

A little over two years ago my mother started flying out to Chicago once a month for experimental chemotherapy (not sure why it was "experimental") and of course she lost her hair which was a horrible, horrible time. She continued this routine for almost a year and then stopped. She said she couldn't afford to keep going, but when I offered to pay she declined.

Now, jumping forward in time to February of this year (2007): My mother headed down to South Carolina with my Grandmother and little brother (he's 13) to visit family. The second day down there she broke her collar bone sliding into a booth at a restaurant. When she got home the pain was unbearable- she was 99% couch bound (only painfully moving to the bathroom when needed) and after three weeks finally consented (rather pleaded) to go to the hospital. It was found she had a cracked spine as well and was admitted and kept there for a week. At this point I was informed things weren't very good and that hospice and talked with her but things weren't to that point yet. Several weeks ago I was told that she was to begin radiation again and then perhaps some chemo......and still I had hope in my heart.

Tonight my mother came up to my room and sat down in tears....She has 6-12 months and that is only if the radiation helps. I didn't cry in front of her but I left the house as soon as we were finished our conversationm just to drive somewhere- anywhere. I don't know what to do, I feel incredibly lost and have no outlet for emotion. I am excellent when it comes to rationalizing, analyzing, and controlling situations. In addition to having my own small business I am a GM for a company in South Jersey. I don't brake down and I have never once in my adolescence or adulthood felt as lost as I do right now.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, I guess I'm not looking for anything. I don't know if I'll ever even look at this site again but somehow blabbering here for the last half hour has tired me to the point I may be able to fall asleep. If you reached this point in my poorly written grammatical cacophony then thank you. God bless you all and I pray everyone finds the strength they need to deal with the obstacles life sets before us.

DJ